Expat Adventures: Toilet Tales

by missfootloose on February 28, 2015 · 7 comments

in adventure, exotica, Expat life, Humor

Inspection toiletFor reasons only known to the gods of cyberspace, I came upon multiple posts one day dealing with expat nightmares and struggles concerning foreign toilets or facsimiles. Once caught in that particular web trap I kept surfing, and even came across a blog called (I kid you not) The International Center for Bathroom Etiquette. You can spend a lot time there and find yourself well-educated in the field, but alas, no degree is offered. T-shirts, however are available.

(This story is an improved repost.)

I decided it was time for my own toilet post, but I’ll tell you what: I’ll keep it clean, more or less. Not that I have to: I’ve been around, and not in the most hygiene-oriented locales. I’ve enjoyed facilities in African and Asian villages as well as in the Middle East, Eastern Europe, the Caucasus . . . oh, never mind. I survived and I am a better person for it. Living abroad is an educational experience, but not necessarily a high-minded one.

I grew up in the Netherlands in various houses with the type of toilets Americans call “shelf toilets” or “inspection toilets”, terms unfamiliar to me until recently. You’ll see such a specimen on the photo at the top. (Sadly, I never had a funky seat like that one.)

If you need an explanation, here it is: “Shelf toilets” are so called because the user’s offerings land neatly and gently on a flat surface, which facilitates inspection and admiration. This in contrast to American “plunge and splash toilets” where deposits end up in a bowl of water with predictable results.

“Shelf toilets” are also common in Germany and cause all kinds of crises for hung-up Americans, who make their angst the subject of numerous posts. Here’s one called Terrifying Toilets. May I gently suggest they go to an African village and use the community latrine? It will cure their horror of “inspection toilets” forever more.

Village latrine in GhanaCommunal village latrine in Ghana

As a young child, I was fascinated with the facilities offered in the house of an aunt and uncle, who had what was affectionately called a doos, which word means box. If you look at the photo you will understand why. This box was located in a small room off the kitchen. It was kept meticulously clean, no worries. (Much to my chagrin, a brand-new updated bathroom was installed later.)

Oude doos

Doos: This one looks like it has been somewhat updated.

So, you ask, what happened to the . . . eh . . . deposits? Okay, brace yourself: They were collected once a week by a sanitation service that would go door to door. One can imagine some of the slang terms used to describe this service. I shall not translate.

To offer a contrast, here’s a photo of what is available for male passengers at Schiphol Airport, Amsterdam.

Dutch ToiletsI love Schiphol Airport

Now that’s cool, don’t you think? Unfortunately, I have not seen this restroom myself, as I am not of the appropriate sex. And no, the peeing gents are not being admired by all and sundry strolling along the canals. The view is a photo mural. In one of the many lady-loos I’ve visited at the Amsterdam airport the walls offered views of endless fields of blooming tulips. Very cheerful.

There’s still quite a bit of discrimination going on in my country when it comes to public toilets, especially during festivals, fairs and outdoor orgies. Have a look at this contraption for men. Clearly the Dutch aren’t bothered too much by modesty and traumatizing passing children.

Netherlands Public Toilet© Bur Holland Used by permission

Once I started exploring the rest of the world, I became familiar with simple holes in the ground, outhouses of all sorts, communal latrines and of course the so-called squat toilets, the nightmare potty of many Westerners. Here’s one in passable condition, since I promised to keep it clean. As many of you travelers know too well, these squat toilets can be found in the most excruciatingly disgusting conditions. Photos abound on travelers’ sites.

Squat ToiletYou don’t want to see a dirty one

As an expat I have had the opportunity to become extremely adept at using these types of facilities and feel I may well have earned the title of Queen of Squats. My agility came in handy once when visiting a wobbly outdoor privy somewhere deep in the Caucasus Mountains. I nearly crashed through the rotten wooden floor-with-hole and would have fallen into the fragrant abyss had it not been for my well-trained nether-region muscles. I have to tell you, I’m having trouble keeping it clean.

In some places these types of toilets are now converted to the sit-down variety. Below is an example of such a conversion.

Refitted Armenian toilet

Don’t you love the decor?

It is (or was?) located on the premises of a restaurant and bar in Yerevan, Armenia, where I domiciled many a year. This particular one worked splendidly, at least when I made use of it. One did have to pay attention to the step-up to the throne so as not to stumble and fall face forward into the bowl.

In my various travels I also came across toilets with signs that instructed the user NOT to flush the paper. A receptacle of some sort would be available in which to deposit the used paper. If you were lucky, there was paper. (Most expat women know to carry tissues along with their Prozac and stun guns.)

At the time of this educational plumbing experience I was living in Ramallah, Palestine, in a beautiful, brand-new apartment with all the modern plumbing an expat girl might covet. There was only one little hitch: Our landlady implored us to not flush the toilet paper. Being an unbeliever, and new to the Holy Land, I decided not to heed that warning, which had a disastrous, explosive result. Again, I want to keep this clean so I will refrain from explaining further. You want to know, really? Okay, read the story here (but not while you’re eating your chocolate mousse).

And perhaps with that, I should end this post.

* * *

You know it’s your turn now, don’t you? Tell me your toilet tales.  And for your enjoyment, here’s a fun post by a bloggy friend of mine: The Expat toilet. (But first tell me your stories!)

 

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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Sami Veloso February 28, 2015 at 8:29 pm

I have immense difficulty with the squat toilets, you really need strong legs! I just flew to Amsterdam via Dubai and the airport has those squat toilets. I always wonder how the elderly cope with those toilets?

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Sine March 2, 2015 at 3:04 am

You’re asking me, the queen of potty talk, about my story? Where to start? If you’ve read my book, you’ll have had enough toilet stories for a while. I did, however, also write a blog post titled the Expat Toilet, that I think will fit here nicely: http://www.joburgexpat.com/2013/01/the-expat-toilet.html. I think you’ve already read this one but for the benefit for your readers I’m reposting it:-)
Sine recently posted..Voulez-Vous, You Know, Kiss Me?My Profile

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amanda March 7, 2015 at 4:32 pm

the squat toilets are my nightmare more worst when its dirty i feel like im going to fall down there

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Rachel March 9, 2015 at 9:07 am

I don’t mind the squat toilets; if approached carefully, you can manage the whole thing without touching anything! What I mind is smelly toilets, like pretty much every one I experienced outside hotels in China. All the used toilet paper goes in a bin, often without a lid, and it doesn’t get emptied nearly enough. We took to applying perfume on our upper lips before entering, and it still wasn’t enough to defeat the smell!

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missfootloose March 15, 2015 at 11:50 am

Hi Rachel, yes smelly is the worst. Your story brings back memories of the worst kinds! I’ve used squat toilets since I was in my twenties and started living in various developing countries around the world, and am quite expert at squatting. In many cases the bushes along the roads are preferable to the “fascilities” in public buildings!

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Jeri Rohus March 27, 2015 at 8:12 pm

I also have many years of teaching Europe and the Middle East and have experienced many toilette nightmares. Worst and funniest memory was of using the sqat toilette on a moving train in Turkey. Squatting and swaying side to side with the train, I was trying desperately not to pee in my shoes when I noticed the drain hole was not connected to plumbing but drained directly onto the tracks! So there I was squatting, swaying, looking down the hole at the ground under the train that we were speeding over!

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missfootloose March 30, 2015 at 6:10 pm

Oh, yes, I have seen the train tracks too! Great fun in retrospect, and it makes for a good story to tell!

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